I was ugly crying in my car…

I was ugly crying in my car when I picked up the phone and called her. She came right away and met me for dinner. I was not in the best place in my life. Actually, I was in one of the worst I can ever remember. In the last week, I had to endure a situation that I would have never imagined. It would have been too much for anyone to handle.

On top of that, I had actually reached out for help. Not something I am good at. Not something I do often, but the situation was way beyond what I could manage and I HAD to ask. Then, I was faced with the reality that help did not arrive. Those I expected to come through, didn’t. So in addition to the terrible, difficult situation, support wasn’t there.

This is the kind of thing that can change you—for the worst. But almost four years later, I think it was one of the best lessons that life and God have taught me.

I’ve seen it happen about four or five more times since then. A difficult situation comes along and changes you or a friend. They become a different version of themselves. A stressed-out, damaged, less fun, slightly draining version. They are in the muck. Absorbed in a life situation that has left them overwhelmed, angry, grieving, lost, in pain, frustrated, sad, or self-absorbed. The story comes up each time you see them. They can’t focus on anything else, and they certainly can’t be there for you. They won’t ask how you are doing or what’s going on in your life. They can barely keep their head above water.

This is the point where some friends will say, “I’m done with her!” If the friendship isn’t a two-way street, they don’t want to be in it. There is no capacity to consider that there may be things going on that you have no idea about, or what it is like for them to manage, feel, or endure.

I think it took being the one in this situation— having the overwhelming circumstances, enduring the unimaginable — to have the reality check of what it means to be a good friend. And only because a few came through and stood by me do I have an example of unconditional love and grace to go by.

“Bear each other’s burdens.” — Galatians 6:2

Being a true friend means standing by someone when they are stuck in a bad place. It’s letting them work through it without telling them what they should do or how they should feel. It’s not avoiding them when they are a downer, a pessimist, or stuck in a storyline. It’s realizing that life is hard for all of us, and we all have times of ups and downs.

And maybe this is the real point. Life will always give us seasons where we are the one sinking — and seasons where someone we love is. None of us stay on the mountaintop forever. None of us avoid the valleys. But the beauty of friendship, real friendship, is choosing to stay when someone is not their best, not their strongest, not their most fun or balanced or generous. It’s choosing to carry a corner of the burden when they can’t lift it alone.

Because the purpose of all of this — the heartache, the disappointments, the lessons, and the invitations to show up for one another — is learning to love others unselfishly. To love without keeping score. To love without expecting a perfect version of someone. To love in a way that asks, “How can I help lighten what you’re carrying?” even when they have nothing to give back.

That kind of love shapes us. It deepens us. It turns pain into purpose and friendships into something sacred. And if we let it, it teaches us how to be the kind of humans who show up — even in the dark — with a steady presence, a gentle word, and a love that reflects grace.

Thank you to my friends who have taught me this lesson and stood beside me and challenged me to return true friendship. May we all grow in grace.